thinking past the purchase
I tend to go for walks in the evening, but some days I find myself awake early enough to take a stroll before I start my day. Every now and then, I run into the mailman in my neighborhood. I usually greet him with a distant wave and once our walking paths cross, we briefly stop to catch up. He often finds a way to mention his son and how good of a husband he would make. However, this last time we spoke he began explaining how he thinks his son needs to start “pocketing some sense” before making any more decisions in life. I could tell there was a story hidden in the tone of his voice, and since I rarely shy away from asking a question, I proceeded with “so what’s that phrase supposed to mean? the man ain’t got no sense?” As expected, he jumped right into this story about how his son recently made what felt like a huge accomplishment in his life — bought himself a foreign luxury car (I would try to remember the name of it but I’m sure I’d mess it up). As he unpacked the story he explained just how much excitement his son had behind this goal, he’d apparently been talking about it for years. But to make his point more clear, he then included what current predicament his son found himself in.
Like a lot of what we have in our lives — the car needed serviced. But because it was foreign, it seemed impossible to find an able mechanic to help. Even if he made some headway, it wasn’t anything he could ever afford considering he’s only been making enough money to put gas in it ever since he bought it. By this time of the story the mailman was shaking his head in frustration saying “had he pocketed some sense before pocketing his funds, then maybe his purchase would have looked a little different.” I let out a big sigh and nodded my head in agreement. It was quite evident that he wouldn’t have this car for long.
A day or two passed and I found myself at the grocery store, calculating the worth of some kiwis that were supposed to be on sale. As I stood there comparing prices, I began thinking about the story the mailman shared with me and how similar scenarios have played out like that in my own life. Not so much with kiwis for me and it may not be cars for you, but I wonder how many times we seek after a thing, a place, a person, or any goal and then lack the capacity to maintain it. Then, my mind goes a step further and I start wondering why? When we finally receive this new, tangible and exciting thing we don’t hesitate saying “I prayed for this!” but where does that confidence go when it starts to look and feel different than the moment we received it? And why are we so quick to make room to receive but not near as willing to keep making room to maintain?
Thinking through the many things I’ve spent time and effort seeking after, I can account for a handful of moments that I’ve experienced that silly yet empty feeling where I’ve “fumbled the bag” because of my inability to be a good steward of a great thing. These days, I’m starting to understand that prayers should look less like wishing and waiting and more like manifesting the strength and flexibility to steward these blessings that land in our world.
I’m also learning that if I’m not willing to accept the hardships that come with the prize, the purchase, or the blessings then I’m probably not ready to receive it in its fullness. This is where I become honest with myself, it’s the hardest thing to do in a society that chases a prideful culture. That is because pride doesn’t allow the space for you to ask yourself why. And truth be told — your why matters. If we don’t ask ourselves why, then we can expect to repeat the same cycles.
Now, I’ve been naïve more than once and I still make mistakes but I don’t get caught up in labeling experiences as a “loss” or a “failure.” I’ve adapted to the knowledge that I’m either winning or I’m learning in this life, no losses. I truly believe that if I can have ownership in what feels like my defeat, then I can have wisdom in the rebuilding of my betterment. That’s how I define integrity, and that’s where harmony exists. On the other hand, I know that the turmoil I can feel on certain days can almost always be blamed on my ego. Our egos lead us to feel entitled and pride will have us denying the truth. Obviously, it’s natural to have desires that turn into goals, and it’s even more natural to put effort towards achieving them. But all too often we don’t realize that while we are working toward something, we are actually attaching our ego to it. So fast forward a little to when things stop going how we expected, and see that our pride gets hurt. A blow to our pride usually means we throw willingness to the wayside, when pride should have never been factored in. That’s why we must stay mindful of what we attach to our goals. At a certain point, we’ve got to lean not against our egos when going after what we know we deserve, that only allows pride to convince us that when change occurs, it is no longer worth our effort. The challenge is not in receiving, but in maintaining . Let’s keep going after those goals, praying for those blessings, and seeking out more beautiful connections in this life. Let’s learn how to make room to maintain and pursue with integrity. Receiving what you deserve means the work has just begun and you’re selling yourself short if you don’t think past the purchase.
