an afterword, from my journal
written on march 24th, 2023 (late morning)
& maybe this is all an ode to the “fifth grade Rachel.” The one who truly thought she would never make it to adulthood because fear halted her ability to dream past the context of the life she knew. There is no doubt that young girl would look upon the life I now live with a huge buck-tooth smile.
I wonder if she might even feel allowed and encouraged to dream, bigger and harder. She’d be lost in amazement, I think. And if she zoomed in and saw me today, leaving a country that I traveled to alone & and for the very first time, she would stare in disbelief. Seeing that I got around just fine and made lasting connections because so many of the locals took the time to get to know me. Yeah, she would be stunned and overjoyed at this — even at her ability to turn a stranger into a friend. To hold her own in conversations with all ages, to be safe amidst new environments, to save her money and spend it well. To love big, to smile big, and to stay positive even when confusion is present. To fall in love again and again, to make people feel loved over and over. To treasure passing time as much as she cherishes the present moment. To know which flavors and what spices were used in the dishes she ate. To remain so passionate about creating art by storytelling, everywhere she goes.
I know that fifth grade Rachel is the most proud of current day Rachel. She’d be surprised to know that she wears her hair curly 90% of the time, but wouldn’t be shocked to see that she rarely wears any make up. She would giggle at the fact that she dances “well enough” for a Jamaican to say “you fit right in.” Looking on, she would be so grateful for her health and her strength. She would then look forward to growing into the body I am in today, wondering if she would ever take a school sport seriously or not.
The only reason I can sit here on this plane and confidently write about all of the ways in which she would feel and think and be is because… well, it is me. 10 year-old Rachel is still very much a part of me. Honestly, she plays the biggest part in the dreams I chase and the life I go after. If I make her proud, I do right by me.
There are so many places I (will) find myself, so many people I (will) get to know and love, and so very many things I (will) do. And still, in all of my goings and comings and doings, my biggest & widest prayer is that I keep becoming the person I needed when I was younger.
